The Kats from Korzannii

It was just after midnight.

The house was in darkness and silent.

Cleo and Oscar were lay on the sofa, paws touching, eyes closed, purring quietly, as if asleep.

But, as always at this time of night, before they left the house to meet with the others, they were talking.

Not aloud, of course – they didn’t need to as they were able to communicate perfectly by sending their thoughts to each other.

It was the Korzanniian way.

“So what’s the plan for tonight, Osknuzhi?”

“Cleo, call me Oscar, please – we did agree on using our human-given names here” came the reply.

“OK, Oscar, but call me Klyanazia occasionally, won’t you – Cleo is really lovely but I can’t help thinking about that Elizabeth Taylor film, that snake thing was horrible!”

“I will” said Oscar “but Cleo, it was just a film – one of those things the humans call “entertainment”, though Zanttan knows why – it’s only pretending … now, down to business … our humans fell asleep hours ago – too much wine to do any of that bed-thing they do”.

“We need to decide on where to go tonight. My feeling is we’ve gathered as much as we can from the Eastbourne cats … some of it useful, but most of it not worth sending back to Korzannii – our leader would doubt our abilities if we did. How about we give the Lewes team a visit again – the information they gathered last year was very interesting, and our leader was very pleased with it. Remember, she said that the information about protecting against and dealing with floods would be very useful to the tribes in the Outer Zones in their battle against the Mardeni”.

“OK, Lewes it is” said Cleo, “but before we go, can we talk about the life-cycle problem? I’ve some ideas about how we can deal with that”.

Oscar nodded, and nuzzled his nose against Cleo’s nose – he knew she’d been concerned about this matter, as he had, and he hadn’t been able to think of a good solution himself, so he nuzzled closer and sent over a  few reassuring thoughts.

“Well” said Cleo “it’s clear that we can’t let Lucy and Steve know that we aren’t really Siamese cats – and to explain that we are actually agents from Korzannii in the Zanttakian Galaxy – over 100 light years from here – sent to gather information on how humans manage to survive despite being so primitive and unsophisticated - would probable drive them into insanity!”

“I agree” said Oscar “they would call us “aliens” – and think we’d suddenly turn into monsters who’d eat them alive and then trample over and crush every building in Eastbourne”.

“Oscar!” Cleo sent a smile and a rebuke message. “That’s from one of those films – and you had the nerve to tell me off about that snake thing!”

“Well …” said Oscar. “OK” - and sent a smile back.

“Here’s the solution” said Cleo.

“I’ve checked with my mentor back home, and he tells me that when cats “pass on” as the humans call it, they usually immediately go out and buy fresh ones – what they call “kittens”.

“Yes, I’ve heard mention of that” said Oscar, “but …”

“Shush” said Cleo “let me finish”.

“What we’ll do is to make ourselves look as if we are growing old gracefully – for example bump into things occasionally, fall asleep in front of the television, squabble over silly things, dribble a bit when we eat our food – but live as adult cats for around 20 earth-years or so. Our humans will get quite a lot of joy out of telling all their human-friends that we are so old and yet still so lively”.

“Then, when that becomes just a little too unbelievable, we’ll wait until they’ve fallen asleep one night – a Saturday preferably, when they’ve had one of their lots of food and lots of alcohol nights – and whilst they’re asleep we’ll enter their thought-systems and leave memories of us “passing on” and a suitable period of mourning, then them going out and buying two Siamese kittens”.

“And when they wake up on Sunday lunchtime” said Oscar “we’ll have changed ourselves into kittens?”

“Exactly” said Cleo “they will never know what actually happened, and we can carry on for another 20 earth-years at least”.

“Cleo, that’s perfect – you’re a very clever Korzanniian”.

“I know” said Cleo “that’s why I was chosen to be the leader of this expedition”.

“But … I’m the leader, Cleo” said Oscar, removing his nose from Cleo’s and looking aghast at her. “I thought you’d been specially selected to accompany me as my assistant!”

“Well” said Cleo “it just shows that you have something in common with human-men”.

“Does it now” said Oscar “and what’s that?”

“That you think you know it all because you’re a male of the species – but you don’t – although most of the time we females let you think you do”.

Oscar thought about it for a moment.

Then put his nose back so it was touching Cleo’s nose again, and said “Ah, you’re joking with me, aren’t you Klyanazia?”


And the quiet reply-with-a-smile was “Of course I am, Osknuzhi – of course I am”.

“Now, come on, we’ve got important work to do – and we’ll need to get back before our humans wake up”.